The Nihari Principle
I was in Chicago this past weekend when a number of random and unrelated encounters suddenly revealed a pattern that I’m excited to share:
Where to start?
I was sitting at a cousin’s house one night - hanging out, playing cards, and out of the corner of my eye hawking NK as he devoured a plate of Nihari (a spicy, meaty, oily Pakistani dish that any self-respecting, brown-skinned individual will rant and rave about).
If you didn’t already know, I have self-proclaimed allergy to Nihari. Every time, without fail, no matter how repudiated the restaurant, or who’s mom is cooking it, Nihari makes me sick to my stomach. Every. Time. So sick, and so many times, that it has nearly extinguished any desire to even smell, much less come near and consume the damn thing. Now saying no is like reflex.
This particular night, though, I was tempted. It was warm, smelled pretty awesome, and it just physically looked so good. But the decision was easy…because I trust that no matter how tempting it might look, inevitably the end result will make it not worth the instant gratification. It’s happened too many times to leave any doubt in my mind. And so I stay away and for once (for once!) am appeased by the evidence of so many tries. And let me tell you, I am generally terrible at self-control.
Okay now table that thought (we’ll come back to it) and check this next one:
On this same trip to Chicago, at another cousin’s house, I was getting to know someone fairly new. As it goes with such encounters, we shared a bit of our past, our families, and our personalities. And as per usual, I spilled the beans about my temper. This is a snapshot of how the conversation always goes:
Me: “Yeah I’m pretty laid back. I mean I take life as it comes. Although, I do have a temper - it just takes a while to get it going. But when it gets going, it’s badddd.”
Every new person I meet: “Oh. Not what I expected. Wait…really? Umm.. Should I be worried?”
Me: “Nahh. It’s been dormant for some time now.”
Perhaps it is my honesty that compels me to reveal even the most unattractive parts of my personality right off the bat. Sort of like - here, take it or leave it, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. But I realized this weekend (through another chance encounter) that this bit about my temper is no longer true. At least not true enough or enough a part of my life to warrant it making an appearance at every first (and as a result, sometimes last) conversation I have.
Now to you this may not seem to be a big revelation, but let me explain something to you. For as long as I can remember, I have had difficulty managing my anger. We’re talking since I was a teenager. It would manifest itself in different ways, at inopportune times, and it would cause a lot - A LOT - of damage. Sort of like the Nihari to my stomach.
A lot of damage.
And though it’s gotten so, so much better over the years, I think no matter how peaceful I become, how happy, how radiant, how spiritual, my anger is an inextricable part of me. I wish I could say it wasn’t, but I’ve accepted it and moved on to understanding just how to not let it get the best of me. It’s so strange…I wonder how many other people there are out there that are like me?
But fear not this revelation my friends. This isn’t about to be a repeat, awkward, bare-all conversation. Quite the contrary. What I realized during this monumental trip to Chicago is that while this anger/aversion to Nihari is always be inside of me, so too is it’s antidote.
Now whether you want to call this antidote self-control, will power, trusting history, maturity, or simply a case of me learning my lesson - it still remains that I have found a mechanism that works!!
This is HUGE!!!!!
This antidote is so effective that it took me some time away to even discover its existence.
THAT good.
In my final revelatory encounter this past weekend I had a moment where my anger was aroused. My feelings were hurt, I was upset, and I was ready to unleash. So I did - to the mirror in the bathroom. I thought about what I wanted to say, I spent a lot of time mumbling under my breath, and then later that night when the opportunity finally presented itself, without even taking the time to decide, my reflexes kicked in and…I politely excused myself.
That’s it.
It’s not that I didn’t want to indulge - but I know so well where the damage of instant gratification has gotten me in the past that it wasn’t even a question to consider taking that road again. I trusted the evidence I had collected over so many years and suddenly it became clear that this beast of a temper has learned to cower in the face of this truth.
Only days later after thinking about why I was upset and what I really wanted to accomplish did I consider reopening the situation. Rationally, thoughtfully, and with a noble purpose in mind. Not to satisfy my ego, not to have the last word.
I can’t begin to tell you how far I’ve come. It was truly a really proud moment for me.
Now earlier I said I was excited to share a pattern - that means there’s a little more.
So we know this antidote works on Nihari, we know it works on my anger. What else can it be used for?
Two nights ago over dinner with the lovely ZPD, we came to the conclusion that it can be applied to C, too. (Remember C? He’s made appearances every now and then over the past few years.) It’s an altogether toxic relationship that has long overstayed its welcome in my life. It’s also extremely addicting and after more than two years is increasingly hard to walk away from.
Until I remember that I have collected evidence on so many occasions that any sort of communication while instantly gratifying leaves me with a pain so bad I can barely breathe. I can’t think of a better word than agonizing, literally.
And though I have thoughts of indulging this “thing” I am confident that if I apply the Nihari Principle, just like it was with my temper, thoughts of giving in will subside until they are almost nothing. Eventually this will become something I sigh upon, fully content that no matter how tempting it is, the momentary happiness I would get for sure would pale in comparison to the damage I would more than likely suffer.
After all, history (and Nihari) has proven so.
