The Wow Factor
I used to think the girls that ended up dating guys they were friends with first had it made. I was always told that at the end of the day when the looks and the lust fade, you’ll always have your friendship to fall back on and help you through the tough, ugly times. Besides, how else can you be sure of the good character and nature of your special someone unless you’ve known them for at least 25 years??
(Naive.)
I’m beginning to think this may not be the ideal situation. The conversation came up randomly between a friend and me a couple weeks back and has been sitting with me since. She says what keeps her relationship going is the “wow factor” - that newness and intrigue, that reverence if you will, that’s given to someone that isn’t familiar or casual. I remember my hairdresser, who’s been married for almost 20 years, saying the same: “I always keep him on his toes, he’s always discovering new things. You gotta keep it mysterious!”
Even after 20 years?!
Say no to friends - originally an interesting perspective presented by someone who is in a happy relationship, filled with intrigue and wonderment and who is dating someone she wasn’t friends with first.
I come from the opposite vantage point and frankly, I’m inclined to agree - this friend thing is not working for me for a whole slew of reasons.
Firstly, I find when you are dating someone who has caught your eye but about whom you know very little you strive hard to please them - or maybe, you strive to not displease them. That’s the expectation: please your partner. MLA, for example, has her man on lock. When she want’s something she gets it because her husband’s purpose (among other things) is to make her a priority. As long as your girl doesn’t abuse it, you’re good. But when you’re in a friends-first relationship, I feel like the expectation moves from focusing on your partner to focusing on yourself. “We’re friends, she understands this about me, I expect her to accommodate for me.”
Reason #3333: Friends-first relationships aren’t driven by exploration or pushing envelopes - you already know the dirty secrets and the quirks, instead it’s the allure of sustainability and safety. You know you have a good time with them, you know they are safe, you know it could work if it needed to…so why not?
And that’s exactly it. When you are safe you lack risk. If you are not at risk of losing your partner because you are in a safe relationship your actions begin to change and reflect that attitude. Suddenly the relationship becomes less valuable because it is not fragile or in immediate danger. Priorities shift to other things because the relationship is not on the line…sometimes it leads to neglect and resentment. What happened to making your partner happy? (I know this happens in regular relationships too, but I feel like when you begin as friends, you reach the safe zone a lot quicker and fall into it a lot more naturally.)
Reason #114: If you started as friends, chances are you’ve seen them at their clumsiest, their lowest, their most vulnerable, their dumbest, their silliest - and yeah you’ll see it all eventually anyway, but do you have to see it first?? I feel like when you’ve gotten used to these compromising views, it’s much more difficult to be filled with wonderment, awe, reverence. How can you be entrenched and smitten if there aren’t even semblances of pedestals? After all, that’s what respect and admiration amount to, right? If I admire you, adore you, it’s because you have reached a certain pinnacle - that’s what I see in you and that’s what makes you a commodity to me. You’re on a pedestal baby, like it or not.
(Reason #n): I also feel like friends see all of you and not only what you choose to show them. There’s value in that. When you don’t know somebody, it is your chance to create for them an unadulterated version of yourself that isn’t marred by flashbacks from the 90’s or some of the more painful stretch marks of emotional growth. People who have known you for a long time in such capacities are often unable to recreate their image of you and can’t filter out years of awkward in-between stages. If you are seen for who you are right now or who you are striving to be it helps propel your personal growth rather than being continually drawn back to the skin you’re trying to shed because of someone else’s crusty lens.
Case study #6: if you already know things about me that I wouldn’t choose to have you experience - like the fact that I used to hate make up in high school and was a total tomboy or that I used to own more hoodies than I did blouses, then it might be a little hard for you to turn off the teasing that comes along with the casual state of friendship and just - even for a moment - be totally captivated by the magic of my pretty hair, perfect make up, and million-dollar smile. You know too much and that casualness, it just kills it.
Because as friends, it’s a lot easier to remember how to be (or to slip back into) casual with one another - it’s your default and it’s expected. As lovers, the adoration and reverence should have cast a permanent glaze over your judgment that allows for no other top priority but each other. And at the end of the day, I want to be that top priority, someone you are terrified of losing, and someone you aim to please every day - I think every girl wants that.
So to all my smart, sexy, single male friends…unless you can present a solid flipside, I have some single ladies to introduce you to…. :)
