Finding Relief in the Periphery
Most of you who know me can attest to the fact that I have a hard time focusing on pretty much anything but I’m pretty good about spreading myself around and getting involved in lots of random things - writing, art, school, dance, volunteering, traveling, etc etc etc. It’s how I roll. But everyone now and again as I run through life I find that my sleeve sometimes snags on nasty branch.
That nasty branch has many forms - a annoying presence, a negative situation, a paper, certain relationships, a life-sucking force - whatever it is, it momentarily consumes me to the point where I suddenly cannot see anything else.
(I remember my mom calling me out on this pattern of mine and complaining about my “tunnel vision.” She would point out that I would get lost in my own world and just sit in my head forgetting everyone and everything around me. “Life goes on Zahra, get with the program.”
Looks like somethings haven’t changed.)
And just like when you’re actually running and your body takes an extra second of moving forward before it is pulled back by the force of your snagged-on-branch arm, I don’t usually notice the impact of my tunnel vision until I’m fully trapped in the thorny grasp of the situation life has presented. Standard signs and symptoms of being trapped include gazing off into space, being highly unproductive, losing track of time, keeping items on my to-do-tomorrow list for over 3 weeks, and losing motivation to cook (weird, I know).
The biggest sign though, and usually the moment when I realize I’m in too deep is when I experience the overwhelming feeling of suffocation tinged with momentary hopelessness - when my entire line of vision - forward, back and both sides - is an endless stretch of this struggle - this very moment, right here, right now, and all of the in-my-face energy it is sucking out of me. It’s unbelievable just how swiftly it can color my view of life and strip me of the lightheartedness I’m used to carrying.
…
But it is only a moment until I remember that it’s just my arm that got caught on a branch. It’s not a monster, it’s not a perp with a gun, it’s not the cops arresting me for something crazy that I promise I didn’t do. It’s just my arm, caught on a branch.
I call this the periphery. It’s everything else that was always there, that will always be there and that I keep forgetting exists when I let myself get tunnel-visioned about my life. It’s what allows me to remember that life is great overall, that time heals, and that this branch ain’t got nothin’ on a life full of trees.
Breathe. It’s time to zoom out and go big picture, baby.
(Originally written almost a year ago, but highly applicable right this second.)
